Quiet candidates, colorful resumes, and asshole house centipedes

I’m currently a little exhausted, bitter from spending too much on dry cleaning, and craving a buffalo chicken wrap that will be impossible to get my hands on right now.  These issues may or may not be the reason I’m about to unload a hefty rant on the world.  Well, whatever the reason, try to enjoy.  I know I will.

Things that are currently on my shit list…

Quiet Candidates

When I call you for a phone screen, I need to hear you clearly.  To do this, you can control a few factors.  Here they are:

• Find a location where you won’t be interrupted or be heard by people that shouldn’t hear your conversation
• Call from a phone that allows me to hear you loud and clear
• Call from a location where we will not be cut off or interrupted

Let me review the above.  Don’t call me when you are around your boss or other employees.  Your whispers suck.  I hate them.  Don’t call me from your weak ass cell phone that dips in and out of service.  Clear?  OK

OK, so then we have some other things that you may or may not be able to control, but probably can work on.  Here they are:

• Speak up
• Don’t mumble
• Be assertive
• Be confident or at least sound confident

If you’re able to take care of the four items above, then you’re ahead of the game in a big way.  If another candidate has more experience and more skill than you, you might just swoop in and steal the job from them with your communication skills.  It happens.

Colorful Resumes

Resumes do not need color to stand out.  Cornz likes his resume world to shine brilliantly in black and white.  When I see a little bit of color I smirk, when I see a ton of color I cringe.  Graphics that you upload onto your resume are also a huge waste of time.  Not only do I think they are kind of lame, but they also may stop your resume from being scanned correctly into an Applicant Tracking System.

Give me black text and lots of white space for my eyes.  Thanks.

House Centipeds

Go eat an ass, house centipedes.

The house I moved into is amazing and I do love it.  Just…every now and then I see a house centipede and they are the worst.  I hate them and all of their stupid legs.  Sorry animal lovers, but I’m like John Rambo when I see one of these suckers.  My list of weapons include shoes, water, vacuums, paper towels, magazines, and news papers.  I’ll do whatever it takes to destroy them.

I hope they rot in hell with stink bugs.